Duration 21:52

No Sex Marriage – Masturbation, Loneliness, Cheating and Shame | Maureen McGrath | TEDxStanleyPark

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Published 6 Jul 2016

Love? Marriage? Sex? Can a married couple have all three? Perhaps it’s unrealistic since so many marriages end in divorce today. Why is that? One reason might be that a reported 20% of all marriages are sexless and that number is rising. Why have we lost the lust in our marriages? Is it technology, is it trust? More importantly, how can we “get back at it” in our marriages today? Maureen McGrath - nursetalk@hotmail.com - hosts the Sunday Night Sex Show on News Talk 980 CKNW. She is a Registered Nurse, Sex Educator and author of “Sex & Health". This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

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Comments - 21977

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@blanckieification3 years ago "I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone, it's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel alone" - Robin Williams 11080
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@murraywestenskow28963 years ago I once asked a 94 year old woman if she was lonely living alone - she said - there are a lot worse things than living alone - and one of them is living with a person you don't like. 9531
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@JeffMwangi2 years ago "Men in a sexless marriage cheat to remain in that marriage, Women cheat to get out of it". Profound. 2996
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@theautodidacticman_2 weeks ago Intimacy is the only thing that separates a relationship from a friendship. 37
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@jesserp235 years ago Being with someone that makes you feel alone, is worse than actually being alone. 15479
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@randall19594 years ago There is no more lonely feeling in the world than being needed for what you can provide and being unwanted for who you are. 4427
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@z5m24 months ago I'm so broken and depressed. This is my marriage for 4 years now. We're two ships passing in the night most days. Most words out of her mouth directed towards me are critical. She loves our children at least. To all the husbands out there going through this but wanting to hold on, you're not alone, even though regularly you may feel like it... ... 134
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@sarawhite51362 years ago Been married 19 years and we still do it 3-4x a week. I can’t get enough of my husband. Ever. Give it to me every day. Love it. 857
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@ColGadarby6 years ago Better to be single wishing you were married than married wishing you were single - just my two cents. 15006
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@brokentooth93653 years ago It’s destructive. Single life is better than the feeling of being unwanted and neglected. 2879
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@Trackstareman23last year Better than most comedians out there. Perfectly elegant in her delivery with a touch of cheek. She’s an excellent speaker. 60
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@payasoinfeliz2 years ago If you're getting nowhere with your partner, and you are just over it, tell them. Propose parting ways. If they want to make it work, agree on a schedule, and honor it. If they can't change, don't look back. Happiness is out there. You aren't getting any younger. ... 318
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@thomas420a3 years ago Q: what’s worst then sleeping alone in your bed?
A: laying next to someone in bed and have no physical interaction at all. 4470
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@oldweeb10663 years ago I am leaving a 17-year sexless marriage because she just 'did not have time for it'. She worked a part-time job at 15 hours a week but seemed to be busy quite often and 'fall asleep' when I would come to bed. I gave 100% into the marriage and she put 0% into the marriage, concentrating on what she wanted instead of our relationship.
She is still angry I filed for divorce. I am past caring. It is time to find someone who will love me and not just use my resources. ... 1194
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@arthurpenfield82292 years ago Affection Deprivation. I was never loved. Now I'm 34, lonely and very depressed. When NOBODY touches you and doesn't WANT to touch you, you feel unlovable. 89
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@lisah.32952 years ago Not always the women. My ex was always tired, busy, "not tonight" ,etc ... as a woman I was embarrassed to talk about this for years because I thought. When I finally discussed it with friends, I discovered many of my girlfriends were experiencing the same thing. It's not always just the women. ... 866
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@madonnahagedorn56493 years ago All of it is true. Ending up in a sexless marriage is very lonely. Falling so in love, having a healthy relationship in the beginning and then nothing as time goes on can make a person fall into a depression. Marriage without passion is an empty place to be. ... 997
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@networth87544 years ago After 39 years of marriage, I find myself to have a strong desire for my wife. I find her far more interesting at 58 than I found her to be at 19 when we first met. At times it is a struggle to connect just due to so many things going on, but it is all about the commitment. As the husband, I cook, clean, shop and take care of the house. The fact that my wife is not exhausted all the time really helps. In the long run it is a partnership with give and take. ... 2942
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@charlesfoster32203 months ago When I got married, I agreed to fidelity, not celibacy. 57
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@amereminion2 years ago Connected to the internet! Honestly, the number of times I’ve seen couples in a restaurant together yet glued to their smart phones.. leaves me glad to be married to myself. And actually I’m taking myself on another extended honeymoon. I’m finally a happily married man. ... 73
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@timmontgomery58694 years ago This reminds me of something I read in a Dear Abby column years ago: "It's better to be alone than to wish you were." 254
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@rickyteee3 years ago I never knew what loneliness is till I got married. 515
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@raymacdonald75193 months ago There’s virtually no intimacy in my marriage, my wife had shown no interest for years on end. Then out of the blue she initiated physical intimacy. But now I cannot be intimate with her. I no longer associate her with physical intimacy. After years of rejection that part of me that found her desirable has died. When I could no longer perform, she got angry at me and accused me of not loving her, I still love her very deeply and need her in my life, but I felt miserable most of the time and started drinking. I’m a happy drunk, but I know it’s not the way to cope and have stopped drinking. I’m still miserable most and just waiting for life to end. It so hard to explain anything to a woman. ... 90
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@moremoola2 years ago I've been married for 17 years. We had our kid 5 years later. Long story short, I've been lonely in my marriage for the last 12 years.
I'm a great, compassionate guy and a devoted father. I have absolutely no issues with E.D. whatsoever... I mean what I'm a doing wrong here...?
Up untill seeing this video, I thought our situation was unique and outside the realm of normalcy... This was a real eye-opening story. ... 51
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@onestopcop20774 years ago When you’re in love, wonders happens. When you get married, you start wondering what happened. 2679
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@wranglerboi3 years ago WOW, Maureen! You described my marriage to perfection. I did all the cooking and housework and child care (6 kids) PLUS worked 50 hours a week. But any time I wanted "time" with her, she was "too tired," "too busy with something." or just "not interested." And then after 11 years SHE left me, saying I never did anything with/for her! To top it off, the day after the divorce was finalized by the court, she married the guy she'd been seeing the whole time. Sexless marriage? More a thoughtless, uncaring marriage, I would say. ... 1985
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@WitchCityFindsSalem2 years ago This happens to women too. I'm in a sexless marriage, the amount of pain and rejection is unbearable. I thought things would get better, it's been 10 years. 😥 373
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@royforgy32192 years ago I am 72 years old and learned more from this video than I knew. Thank you. 35
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@hellowow32827 years ago I have been married to my wife for twenty eight years. She is gorgeous and I am still crazy about her. I can't say why we have got along so well. We just always do. I think she is the most gorgeous woman in the world. We get along very well in every aspect. I wish the same for everyone ... 1286
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@masmith05124 years ago Sooner or later you just get tired of begging for attention . 1624
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@gimenovax12 years ago I live alone now but I am not lonely. When I slept next to my wife who had no interest I felt terribly lonely. 19
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@kuphreyeshiet30332 years ago Wow....couples make love 58 times a year? That would be my definition of heaven at this point 🤣🤣 35
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@burangakbedukang45934 years ago Sometimes i get more knowledge in comment section than the video itself. 949
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@Pffft146904 years ago When you hear "No" too often, you tend to stop asking, even if you're as helpful as you can be. 478
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@ktkt18252 years ago Was married for over 20 years- after moving 1,000 miles to her ailing parents' hometown and making great sacrifices to help her help them in every way I could, it became too much and she had no energy for 'us' anymore: after her mother, her father, our child, and her troubles with family. What was supposed to be a temporary situation turned into decades of living in a location that was a slow death for my career. Lost the house where we moved from, and struggled financially the whole time.. Be very careful about how much you put into any relationship- there can come a point where it can become ruinous. She then took 'revenge' by distancing herself from me physically, and chasing every old boyfriend she could find. I am free of this, at last. ... 33
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@radhanmoodley55944 months ago I love that you share your vast experience so generously in service of humanity. Your sense of humour is fabulous 7
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@melenico45125 years ago A lot of people get married because of lust not love. They basically confuse the two. Once the lust runs out so does the marriage. 1823
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@anxiousone8915 years ago Better to be happy alone than to be married and miserable 1729
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@T410ce2 years ago When is the last time you saw someone give an hour long talk/ speech from memory? She is clearly an accomplished speaker, this was enjoyable to watch for that reason alone, says so much about the world we live in, where real skills are scarce. ... 27
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@HeadoftheSeniorClass-en6qp3 months ago Timeless talk that holds up 7 years later! Great stuff, and so true. 8
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@sashafroyland4 years ago "You are more likely to die from loneliness than from alcoholism or excessive eating." Wow. 431
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@JohnTSmith-jw2gq5 years ago My grandmother was from the old country she used to say the day after you marry someone you wake up with someone else. 341
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@reubenjhon62812 years ago 👏👏👏👏👏 love how so honest and truthful You simplify these matters for us to understand.thank you for presenting these issues in a world where people are lost for answers. 9
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@adamhughes44423 months ago I stayed at home to look after our twins from the day they were born until they started school. The house was always clean and tiday and dinner was always cooked. It was me who put the kids to bed most nights. I couldn't have done more while my wife worked as a school teacher.
Still wasn't enough. We separated. Not only could I not give any more, I now feel like I can't love another woman. She met someone on a dating site within two years, I've remained single with joint custody of our children, for almost 5 years.
Too broken to love again! ... 11
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@hjsigcjj34 years ago Alone is the worst when you are married 351
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@benjaminmann69634 years ago My ex wife practiced “social distancing “ for years. 2221
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@howiefeltersnatch69742 years ago "Better to be single and lonely than married and miserable". 18
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@theirishcailin3336 months ago My husband has no interest. Theres been absolutely nothing for over 4 months and in that time it was my birthday and our anniversary (decided to just say nothing and see how long it would be before he mentioned anything, well 4 months and nothing)and before that i was lucky to get it once ever 6-8 weeks. Over the past few years, 99% of the time it was me who initiated it. Some times he'd say he was tired, wait till tomorrow night etc. Once he asked and i said not tonight and he was visibly shocked as i never said no before. I joked and said "refusal often offends, doesn't it?" i only said no because i wanted to see his reaction. I'm beyond frustrated at this stage and feel lonely while lying beside my husband every night. I have zero interest in going to be with anyone else and i wouldn't mind but he even says I'm unreal, that i do things that blow his mind and he doesnt know how i do it but still nothing 😢 i know it has to be my fault though. He was away last night and was going to text to say i wanted it but decided not to cause probably wouldn't happen anyway and honestly i could have cried. ... 8
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@riledmouse46773 years ago The idea that men cheat to stay in a marriage and women cheat to leave one is really profound and I don’t think we talk enough about it. 503
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@pablito12sc4 years ago I lost my virginity at 18...and I found it again when I got married 2956
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@bradleythomas53509 months ago What an awesome episode. I’m about to go find the one(s) before, and look forward to the coming ones with this guest. Thank you! 5
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@alanfrancis92257 months ago If you are have repressed trauma from childhood you will put up with anything rather than face your own internal pain. Of course this is not a conscious decision. You will not know any difference. This applies to many. 10
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@elite37374 years ago I’m 21 years married. There are sometimes bumps in the road, kids, work, fatigue etc. but its still like our honeymoon when we do bond together 412
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@doubleganger25 years ago The poor want to be rich...The rich want to be happy...The single want to be married...and the married want to be dead: Ann Landers 655
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@vicki65562 years ago It can be so lonely when you get rejected constantly. 22
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@serasherahi77172 years ago I’m so lonely and depressed in my marriage. At this point, it’s my faith and God’s grace only that’s kept me sane. 9
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@jphyan88834 years ago "Life's greatest desire is to LOVE and be LOVED" - Hesiod (750 BC) 137
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@radishfever4 years ago Being married for 25 years I can pass on this chunk of wisdom. Two people working together as a team can bring rewards beyond explanation. Give each other space to be individuals. 655
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@suzannetong8884last month The most painful thing is to live with someone who you can't communicate or you are not enjoyed with 3
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@jamesgossweiler13494 years ago I wear underpants in the shower because it’s wrong to look down on the unemployed. 3482
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@theunchosenone68073 years ago "Only about 7% of married couples set the sheets ablaze."
That hit deep, its powerful... 598
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@christiangreaves39112 years ago After 25 years with the same person I have to say that it takes two people working to get what both want. I still look at my wife with the love and lust I had in my twenties but it’s completely wasted. We talk about why things are this way every three months for years. She will not be intellectually honest about her feelings. She shows no passion. She does nothing to create romance or intimacy. We’re roommates raising kids. It breeds so much resentment. She’s preventing me from being fulfilled. While I beg her to tell me what she’s missing. Half the time she wants time alone. Some times I just wish I was single. I love her but I wish I could have my 22 year old girlfriend back. I don’t need a roommate. ... 78
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@gaberondon87572 years ago I tried talking about this with my wife (we’re Latino) it did not go so well haha, but we’ll get through it. Thanks for having this conversation, I think it’s really important.
- Man on the couch 26
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@TheTropics44 years ago I'm 56 years old. Been divorced for over 12 years. After this TED talk, I'm glad I'm single and don't have to deal with the stresses of a sexless marriage! 601
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@apurva15893 years ago Dont be in a failed marriage. Don't punish yourself for the other person's incompatibility ! YOU OWN YOUR OWN HAPPINESS ! 608
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@PercivalFromWales4 months ago I've been single all my life. Suddenly that doesn't sound so bad at all. 11
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@edisonmapimbana13942 years ago Am convinced beyond any doubt that this is one of the best speech I have heard so far. Thank you Maureen for making it so short ,sweet and funny 😄. I want more of this sort please. Can you direct me to the well there of 4
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@thomasalexander22244 years ago I have been divorced 40 years. I often dream of some one to love. Then I wake up and remember how happy I am. 723
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@bobgillis11374 years ago Sexless marriage sounds like cellmates, not soulmates. 1379
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@stormship1647last year Well done …great speech and I love that she was promoting marriage …🙏🏾 17
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@cricrituttie92035 months ago 'You are more likely to die from loneliness than from obesity and excessive alcohol consumption'. Great statement. 17
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@gksmith-mccarthy9794 years ago Wow, these comments are depressing! I hope you all find happiness - whether it be alone or with someone else. 310
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@the_arung3 years ago "Where there is marriage without love, there will be love without marriage." --- Benjamin Franklin 38
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@brettbeyer733 months ago This is the kind of talk that husbands everywhere will say "I wish my wife would hear this." and then resign themselves to knowing she never will. Or want to. 4
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@rsg427610 months ago When partners start securing their spaces in the house like locking the rooms in the name of privacy and solitude and even sleeping in different rooms that indicates the downhill journey of the relationship. The breakup is directly proportional to ur patience. ... 4
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@jameshodgson56446 years ago Couldn’t live like that - I’m 52 and my wife is 57 (still attractive and has a good body) been married for 27 years and are at it like rabbits, she bangs like a barn door in a storm. We can’t get enough of each other- love her to bits and it gets better every time. She’s amazing and my best friend and a great cook too. I couldn’t stay in a sexless marriage - no way! ... 1144
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@sirnimbus34985 years ago I hate how much of this is true in my life. 340
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@user-bn9mp1fg3p2 weeks ago I was very fortunate. My husband and I were married over 70 years at the time of his death at the age of 89; we enjoyed each other (at least weekly) until we were well into our mid 80’s. Our teen-age marriage was one of the exceptions. How blessed we were.❤ ... 1
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@kellymcginniss9594 years ago Trust me, this isnt just a mans problem, there are women out there turning purple out of frustration because their men arent interested 857
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@jackbravo21728 years ago I'm watching this and I'm not even married, lol 4378
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@dawnstrohm69827 months ago WHAT??? This is all shocking to me. Married since I was 19 to the same man for 40 years. Things have been rockin' and rollin' all this time and especially those early years. Literally, I had NO idea this was a problem for so many couples. ... 20
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@johnshipp54352 years ago It is a constant battle fighting our natural instincts to have more than one partner. Unfortunately, having one partner for life does not come natural for human beings, but keep fighting 💪 10
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@kapsyl1005 years ago Instead of the video, I'm reading The comments :D 1343
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@kevinmurray93673 years ago I am married and absolutely happy and satisfied in every sense of the word. The bottom line is, be with someone who you are compatible with. Stop looking for someone you are not. 196
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@afrankedu2 years ago Love this!! So enlightening. Puts so much into perspective. 5
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@gillessturbois89144 months ago Very inspiring and interesting speech. You raise a topic undermining many couples I know, if not all after 7-8 years of mariage… 1
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@zeeshandogar94063 years ago Marriage is one of those things in life you regret not doing, and regret equally for doing. 120
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@seerootravelworld7 years ago giving time to your spouses rather to your smart phones. very well said 78
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@thewolfdoctor761last year If your wife constantly pushes you away and won't talk about it, don't wait - get a divorce. 13 years wasted. 3
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@jasonblack10853 months ago Superb! What a joy to absorb her intellect and words of wisdom. 2
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@benmiddleton99845 years ago I would much rather be single any day of the week than be with the wrong person. 273
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@rev.terrycase41273 years ago This was my problem!!!!!!
"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone, it's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel alone" 104
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@Corkfish12 years ago I'm 62 and never got married. No regrets. 17
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@kunledaniel4066last year Amazing Maureen, you nailed this subject. 1
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@andrewsealey22363 years ago Being told to "Sort yourself out, it is only friction" week after week, month after month really riled me. So much for the warmth, closeness and connection of a intimate relationship. The result was animosity, emptiness and the complete loss of self worth. ... 434
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@rford564 years ago Shout out to my wife of 38 years. She loves me and takes care of me always. Feeling grateful 😍 981
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@larrylorimer3065last year Right on Maureen, good show, perfect way to explain the problem. 1
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@patrickrumbu29022 years ago 'Worst thing than being alone is wishing that you were' - Nas 3
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@_ladiosanegra4 years ago when you stay in unhappy marriages you make the decision to be rejected EVERY SINGLE DAY. id rather be single 100% of the time. 223